Disclaimer: if this article mentions any real names, situations, or events, then we will probably get in trouble again. After the Last Exposé, students wept following the removal of a pivotal article to The Cold Beak, and many believed we were done for good. These articles were meant as social commentary and should be taken as another way to look at Douglas events, for those … Continue reading Douglas blows
Following Douglas’s dominant performance in the annual pig bowl, tragedy struck, several upperclassmen spent the weekend bed ridden with serious cases of swine flu. “It was worth it, watching our football team play at a high level, it’s something I never thought I’d see- like Bigfoot or a stable economy- it was simply wonderful”,but when asked about his illness the student added “swine flu sucks, … Continue reading Swine flu spreads after pig bowl: Thompson OK
The Cold Beak is expanding; now with both a website and Twitter page to display our news to the students of Douglas. To initiate this growth of the Cold Beak Media Empire, here is the interview of the century with Aaron Byron, the pep rally penis. Cold Beak: Why? What motivated you to pull off one of the most memorable moments of senior year Aaron: … Continue reading The Cold Beak Interviews: Aaron Byron | The Pep Rally Penis
Mr. Cola (no relation) has announced his transition from teaching into being a vending machine full time. “I realized how much money students were spending in sodas and candy everyday so I started selling them myself, when I realized I was making more money part time as a vending machine I quit teaching and took on the full time position as vending machine #12”. The … Continue reading Teacher becomes vending machine, salary triples
Originally posted on September 30th, 2015 This just in, nothing vaguely interesting happened today at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. The once prominently absurd escapades of Douglas and its students have taken a day off and been replaced by a public school learning environment. The only positive news of today was test scores have gone up, like actual test scores! While most students find it … Continue reading NOTHING HAPPENS AT DOUGLAS
Originally posted on September 29th, 2015 The Douglas High Homecoming Dance was a complete success. Many students raved about their almost euphoric time at the gala. After the event, Douglasians were glowing with such ecstasy from the experience. One such attendee who was over ecstatic of his experience was Douglas’ own Ty Thompson. “I don’t know what got into me, I-I just let my inner … Continue reading Homecoming reveals true Thompson
Originally posted on September 28th, 2015 During the events of Douglas’ Spirit week several precise attacks focused their attention on the News Outlet. The Premiere News Source contains an extensive network of reporters but sadly none of them created sustainable defense protocols. The results of the attacks left several employees with boo-boos and even rare cases of Hypothermia. This cold hearted criminal, believed to be … Continue reading The Cold Beak ransacked
Originally posted on September 18th, 2015 Following up on yesterday’s gripping story about the bell replacement, Douglas High’s administration realized the error of their ways when students started a fire at 1:44PM this afternoon. The alarm rang in response due to a bunsen burner fencing match in the chemistry lab. But much to the surprise of Douglas Staff, students, now used to the loud buzz, … Continue reading UPDATE: FIRE BREAKS OUT, STUDENTS CASUALLY TO NEXT CLASS
Right when school safety seemed to get out of control once again Douglas responded by making an unorthodox change. The class bell, a classic sound that makes or breaks a students day, is being replaced with the roaring and lovable fire alarm. “There’s no way to tell when a fire will happen,” added fire chief Jackson. “Why not be ready every period of the day?” … Continue reading Class bells replaced with fire alarms
Originally posted on September 16th Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School has had it’s fair share of media coverage With @humansofmsd, WMSD news, The Courier, and more recently, The Cold Beak. As of this week, Douglas Newspaper has acquired the Twitter account “Eagle Eye MSD”. Many students are starting to wonder “wait is Douglas really that interesting?” After checking out the new page, we at The … Continue reading Douglas remains un-creative, Newspaper steals from us
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