Following Douglas’s dominant performance in the annual pig bowl, tragedy struck, several upperclassmen spent the weekend bed ridden with serious cases of swine flu. “It was worth it, watching our football team play at a high level, it’s something I never thought I’d see- like Bigfoot or a stable economy- it was simply wonderful”,but when asked about his illness the student added “swine flu sucks, … Continue reading Swine flu spreads after pig bowl: Thompson OK

Mr. Cola (no relation) has announced his transition from teaching into being a vending machine full time. “I realized how much money students were spending in sodas and candy everyday so I started selling them myself, when I realized I was making more money part time as a vending machine I quit teaching and took on the full time position as vending machine #12”. The … Continue reading Teacher becomes vending machine, salary triples

Originally posted on September 29th, 2015 The Douglas High Homecoming Dance was a complete success. Many students raved about their almost euphoric time at the gala. After the event, Douglasians were glowing with such ecstasy from the experience. One such attendee who was over ecstatic of his experience was Douglas’ own Ty Thompson.  “I don’t know what got into me, I-I just let my inner … Continue reading Homecoming reveals true Thompson

Originally posted on September 28th, 2015 During the events of Douglas’ Spirit week several precise attacks focused their attention on the News Outlet. The Premiere News Source contains an extensive network of reporters but sadly none of them created sustainable defense protocols. The results of the attacks left several employees with boo-boos and even rare cases of Hypothermia. This cold hearted criminal, believed to be … Continue reading The Cold Beak ransacked

Right when school safety seemed to get out of control once again Douglas responded by making an unorthodox change. The class bell, a classic sound that makes or breaks a students day, is being replaced with the roaring and lovable fire alarm. “There’s no way to tell when a fire will happen,” added fire chief Jackson. “Why not be ready every period of the day?” … Continue reading Class bells replaced with fire alarms

Originally posted on September 16th Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School has had it’s fair share of media coverage With @humansofmsd, WMSD news, The Courier, and more recently, The Cold Beak. As of this week, Douglas Newspaper has acquired the Twitter account “Eagle Eye MSD”. Many students are starting to wonder “wait is Douglas really that interesting?” After checking out the new page, we at The … Continue reading Douglas remains un-creative, Newspaper steals from us

Originally posted on September 15th, 2015. Over the past century schools have become synonymous with restroom or hall passes. After intense research and many potty visits, the Cold Beak found a trail of counterfeit bathroom passes. “I told the school to secure the passes, they thought that a laniard and some laminated paper would do the trick. Boy were they wrong” said local plunger enthusiast … Continue reading VIP bathroom passes sold across Douglas’ black market

Originally posted on September 11th, 2015 With public hatred growing from the School Board of Broward County’s decision to switch away from the original Pinnacle Gradebook to a new Microsoft based internet Gradebook, SBBC announced today that they will introduce a THIRD internet gradebook to replace the faulty current one.Superindentent of SBBC states that “We believe that we’ve made mistakes in the past, but we … Continue reading SBBC introduces Gradebook 3.0

Originally posted on September 8th, 2015 After a complaint of a fowl smell, Stoneman Douglas janitors found a student that has been locked in the bathroom of the foreign language building. This student (who does not want to be named) was set to graduate in May 1994 but was locked in the lavatory during a Senior prank earlier that year. He shared his story with … Continue reading Student locked in school bathroom for over 20 years